New Year, Kinder Me

For me, 2018 was the year of living boldly. I was recovering from a rare disease diagnosis that inflamed every joint in my body, and I was learning how to define my new normal. But after leaving the hospital, suddenly, the world outside didn’t seem as scary anymore. I was ready – no, I was excited – to exist more freely, express myself with confidence, and let go of the fear of fear.

And I did just that. I danced with more passion, I wore my emotions openly, and I started doing more of what I wanted to do if I weren’t so afraid. When my energy suddenly ran out or I had to readjust to my new health needs, I listened to my body and I found peace in resting. After growing up with rheumatoid arthritis, it was freeing to educate myself on autoimmune disorders and distinguish between which parts of myself were me and which were my conditions.

In seeing myself in a new light, I found more joy in prioritizing my health and was healthier than I had ever been. The year took me on amazing adventures from a cross-country road trip with my best friend to even more dance performances and festivals and now studying in London!

So upon year-end reflections in December, I couldn’t think of a new resolution. I was enjoying my approach and knew I wanted to maintain it. But there’s always room for improvement.

I was fortunate to have the time to balance bold living and catering to my health. Since I’ve returned to school, though, my self-care has taken a back seat to studying. I’m no longer making time for myself and old habits of self-criticism and meanness have returned. In 2019, I want to find ways to live freely while also being kinder to myself.

I typically pride myself on creating SMART goals, but I committed to this resolution without even knowing where to begin. When classes resumed in January, I told myself I would continue to reflect on how to be kind to myself while actually just falling into the same patterns of putting everything on hold until my modules finished.

As a result, I pushed my body too hard. And when I finally had a break two weeks ago, I rested hard. I’m surprised because I’m not as disgruntled as I used to be when this happened in high school, college, or any other time. Those moments were often filled with frustrations about having to take a break that I equated with not being good enough. I now understand that my self-worth and ability are not defined by my illnesses, and I recognize that I can’t accomplish anything if I don’t take care of my body first.

So now instead of living on the extremes as I tend to do, I am seeking balance. I’m not willing to lose the strides I’ve made in self-love over the past years because I’m going to have this relationship with myself forever. It should be a good one. Balance is new territory for me, but it enhances the ways in which I want to live boldly this year – to appreciate what I am, rather than what I am not and to be kinder to myself.